Personal Update: Anxiety

Hey friends. This week’s blog is going to be a little different, can you tell? I wanted to write candidly about how I am feeling right now. It’s Monday morning, July 8^thas I am writing this and I am on the up and up from an anxiety ridden weekend. I am so grateful to be feeling so much more myself today. 

So, let’s start from the beginning. 

Rewind to the 4^thof July. I spent the day with my family and it was a blast. I had so much excitement leading up to a full day of grilling out, slip and sliding, fireworks and drinking. Some of my favorite things. Truthfully, I drank too much… oops. Day drinking with my family in the sun and staying up until 3am lead to a killer hangover on the 5^thof July… I just can’t hang the way I used too. 

A hangover I can deal with, but I woke up immediately filled with anxiety. There was nothing I wanted more than to spend the entire day in bed. I managed to make myself get up because I knew my house was a wreck from hosting the festivities on the 4^thbut I swear it felt like it took every ounce of energy I had.

Burying my head in the sand would inevitably make the anxiety I was feeling increase tenfold. I muddled through dishes, started some laundry, and picked up trash around the house. The whole time feeling this unshakeable feeling of overwhelm. Thankfully I work from home so I got the bare minimum of what is required of me done and then sat on the couch for the rest of the day. I skipped the gym which, if you know me, I almost never do. I just couldn’t bring myself to muster the energy to go. Matt and I spent time together when he got home from work and then I went to bed early in the hopes that Saturday would be better. 

Saturday

It was better than Friday because I was no longer hungover, but the anxiety was still very much present. I felt like I was being buried, like I couldn’t catch up with everything in life that needed my attention and effort. My patience was thin with everything around me. I managed to get to the gym on Saturday and to no surprise, it helped a little. Matt and I saw the new Spiderman on Saturday evening. I was starting to feel a little better by then but even on the car ride to the movies I felt like I was having hard time catching my breath. The movie itself and spending quality time with Matt was a welcome distraction and I was finally able to relax.

Sunday

We got up early and went to church followed by the gym together. We spent some time with his family and then came home and relaxed. By Sunday evening I’d say I was pretty much feeling back to myself.  

So, what’s the point of all of this?

I felt called to be blatantly honest. I felt inclined to share that I am not always positive and happy. Going to the gym and daily gratitude isn’t always enough to pull you out of anxiety or depression. I really don’t like being vulnerable, but writing out my emotions helps, so here I am. With the focus and concerns surrounding mental health these days, who am I to pretend that I’m perfectly cheery all the time? 

I have mentioned in previous blogs that I am a pretty anxious person. However, it usually tends to be situational anxiety which isn’t cause for concern. This was something different entirely. As a relatively happy and lighthearted person, this hit me like a ton of bricks. I hadn’t felt this anxious and emotionally exhausted since the thick of my ex relationship and periods of time in high school. 

I was sad and anxious for no reason other than normal life stressors. Reverting back to old behavior, I binge ate and had an “I don’t even care” mindset. Plus, I had no desire to talk about it with anyone. The mindset alone was enough to freak me out. I was terrified that these feelings weren’t going to go away.

So where did it all come from?

I am not 100% sure. But in true ‘Morgan’ fashion, I had to assess and overthink obsessively about it until I came to some sort of conclusion. I was PMSing (sorry for the details), I drank too much which lead my physical self to feel like crap, and ultimately, I have been more anxious in the past few weeks than normal. I’ve been shoving my emotions deep down and not dealing with them. And of course, we all know that never helps. It had to come out at some point –cue emotionally crappy weekend. 

I have been working really heard to attain a growth mindset. I have been actively trying to purse more for myself in health, career, blogging, personal, etc. Not only that, but I am trying to be a leader for inspiring other women to do the same. This was a new added pressure I had not yet experienced until now. I felt like “how do I tell women to hit the gym when they’re stressed, when I could barely get out of bed?” and “how can I be motivating when I cried in the kitchen over having to do dishes?” 

My solution?

Come here and tell you that I am human and that comes with emotions too. And if you’re like me, I come with what feels like a crap ton more than the average joe at times. Being painfully honest felt necessary for this blogging journey I chose to take you all on. I have to share the good and the bad if I am going to be truly transparent, right? I mean it’s a lifestyle blog after all. 

I know how blessed I am that this is not a struggle I face every day. And for those of you that do, I’m so sorry and I know it’s harder than I can imagine. Give yourself grace. I allowed myself to just sit with all of those emotions. I tried not to force myself to “get over it and deal” and I think that’s what actually helped. Try your hardest not to feel guilty for it. It’s no easy feat.

If you got this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read through all my feelings. Your support is always appreciated, in life and in blogging. 

-The Relatable Red