When relationships ends, we often look back and think “wow look at all those red flags I missed”. Red flags that could have saved you heartbreak are easy to miss when you are blinded by lust and newness. That’s why it’s so important to take note and recognize red flags to watch out for when you aren’t in a relationship. That way when the time comes, they’re easier to spot! If something concerns you, even briefly, and then you want to mentally bury the information because you don’t want to taint your feelings about the person, that might just be a red flag. We are humans who make mistakes. It’s worth taking some time to think about and potentially discuss with your partner, but make sure you don’t just ignore it and hope it goes away.
11 Red Flags To Watch Out For:
1. The relationship starts off rocky
Listen I am sure there are plenty of amazing relationships that started from rocky beginnings. But I am going as far to say that, as a rule this is not the case. The beginning of the relationship should be nothing short of butterflies and rainbows! It is the easiest part.
When the relationship undoubtedly gets harder because life, you need a strong, blissful beginning as your foundation. You both need that foundation as a reminder that when you are both at your very best, you can be amazing together. The beginning shouldn’t be hard. Really none of it should be too hard. If it is it may be a sign you need to break up.
If the relationship starts with blurred lines or arguments, it is one of the first and most important red flags to watch out for. Luckily, you should know pretty early on if the start of your relationship is blissfully sweet or rocky.
2. You don’t have things to talk about
If you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, this doesn’t apply. Ideally you never run out of things to share and chat about with your partner but thats not realistic all the time. However, in the beginning of a relationship, you should have plenty to talk about. If you don’t, it can be a sign that one or both of you have a hard time connecting with the others interests.
Running out of things to talk about early on can be one of the red flags to watch out for that might indicate you don’t actually have things in common. I’m not saying you have to be besties but you should at least be interested in hearing about the other ones life stories, work, hobbies etc. This red flag will come up as soon as the lust and newness dies down. It can be really sad to admit but it’s better than ignoring and hoping it gets better over time.
3. Your futures don’t align
This is a huge red flag. I know it’s a little scary and not recommended to bring up major life decisions too early, but you can’t expect to enter a serious relationship with someone if your futures don’t align. For example, if one person absolutely wants to live in a city and you can’t imagine a life away from your family or the country. If someone doesn’t want kids and it’s your dream. If you have polarizing opinions on raising children and they can’t be compromised. These are huge things that don’t go away. They just get more complicated over time. If you have non negotiables that don’t align, it’s likely a red flag that will ultimately be a deal breaker.
Dating is supposed to be fun but as we get older, most of us are dating with a pretty clear end game in mind. If that end game is marriage and kids vs traveling the world with no restrictions, it’s not worth investing your heart in just to inevitably be let down.
4. They talk badly about everyone they dated before you
Talking about exes should be kept to a minimum as is. There’s certainly a level of conversation that usually needs to be had to better understand someone and their history. However, if someone is talking about their ex unprompted, that’s probably a red flag all on it’s own. However, if someone you’re dating only talks negatively about their ex and never takes any responsibility, it may be one of the red flags to watch out for as well. Also, if they claim the same negative behaviors for all their exes, that could very well be a red flag too. For example, if the person you’re dating says things like “all my exes are crazy”. Consider that they probably weren’t all crazy and your partner likely had a hand in the toxicity.
5. Isolating you from friends and family
Anyone trying to drive a wedge between you and your most important people has got to go, the sooner the better. Wanting you all for themselves is one of the red flags you need to watch out for and one that could be easily overlooked in the beginning! To all appearances it looks like they just want to be around you all the time…. how flattering, NOT. Not if it comes at the expense of your other relationships. If they come between plans with your friends or family and get upset that you didn’t prioritize them first, you need to get out. The ability to manipulate and control you is heightened when you’re not surrounded by the people who have always known and loved you.
6. You’re always the one compromising
You cannot ignore things that bother in you in the name of compromise! Not when you’re the only one compromising. Did you bring up something that bothered you and they discounted your feelings? Did they explain away why you were actually the one who was wrong? This can be a sign of gaslighting which is extremely toxic. Relationships absolutely involve compromise but if you’re the only one compromising, that’s likely a red flag. It can be as simple as never going to eat where you want. Or never seeing the movie you want. Little things like that will build over time and eventually you will have compromised on so much, you may not even know what you actually want. Your choices are to have a very firm conversation about how you feel and what you’ve experienced or to move on from the relationship.
7. They don’t talk through problems
Arguments are not always a bad thing. Too many isn’t a good sign but some debates are important to learn more about the other. One of the red flags to watch out for though is the refusal to work through the argument. If one person completely shuts down and wants to just ignore the problem, you’re in for a long and difficult road.
It’s important to be respectful of people’s argument styles. They may be taking a few minutes to calm down and gather their thoughts. However, just going on like nothing happened after things calm down is not healthy and will inevitably result in arguing about the same things over and over again.
Related posts: How To Argue When You Both Think You Are Right; 8 Tips For Fighting Fair In Your Relationship
8. They never apologize
Whew y’all this one is big one! It goes hand in hand with not talking through problems. If your partner can’t apologize in an argument, you’ve got a huge red flag. Let’s call this a “you’re on notice” red flag. This is something that can be pretty easily corrected if the person wants to improve the relationship. However if you’ve mentioned it and pointed out the problem and they don’t make an effort to fix it, you probably need to end the relationship. The fact is, there are very few disputes between a couple that don’t involved fault on both sides. Apologizing is single handedly the easiest way to let the other know that you care about the way they feel and want to work for a common solution.
9. Falling in “love” right away
This is a red flag when you just start seeing someone. If the person you’re seeing tells you how perfect and amazing you are too soon, you have to wonder how they’re so sure. You probably are amazing but if you’re just newly dating, there’s no way this person can truly know how “perfect” you are yet. This could very easily be someone with codependency issues and/or someone who just likes the idea of you.
You want someone who likes you for you. Not someone who is going to put you on a pedestal because when you inevitably end up being a human with flaws, they’re going to put those unrealistic expectations on you. They’ll be let down by you just being you.
10. They turn into a different person in an argument
Here’s the kicker though, the argument doesn’t even have to be with you. If you witness them turn into a different person when they get in an argument with their family or coworker, that is a major red flag. They may be cool and collected with you right now but eventually that will fade. And if you don’t respect the way they react to others, then buckle up because it will be you soon.
11. They think they’re smarter than you.
This seems obvious but people who do this have a way of doing it so subtly that you may not even pinpoint it right away. It can present itself like never taking your advice or opinions on things. For example, if you offer tips on something and they treat it like you couldn’t possibly offer useful advice on the situation. Another good example is if they are condescending to you around other people. If you begin to question your own intelligence or worth over a period of time, this could be a red flag stemming from their behavior. So much of having a healthy relationship comes from true admiration and respect for the other person. You can’t truly have that if they don’t view you as equal to them.
I hope if one or more of these jumped out at you as something you’re experiencing, you’ll consider moving on from the relationship. Trust me when I say it’s better to get out sooner than later when it comes to red flags. It’ll save you so much heartbreak, time, and even your mental health. Red flags like these almost always become toxic relationships, especially if given the chance to fester for years. See them, see the writing on the wall and don’t ignore it. Your relationship shouldn’t be hard. It shouldn’t be constant arguing. Good relationships make your life better. Don’t settle for anything less.
-The Relatable Red
