If you’ve been around The Relatable Red for long, you might have gathered that I enjoy writing about relationships. And more specifically, I love to help people with their relationship by giving realistic and actionable advice. Ironically I’ve only been in two serious relationships in my life, but boy have I learned a ton in both. The first one helped me write my ever popular “6 Signs You Need To Break Up” blog. And my current relationship with my now husband, Matt has aided my more bubbly relationship posts! My experience in a toxic relationship for five years and an amazing relationship for three has definitely taught me a thing or two about fighting. And more importantly, fighting fair. But I can’t take all the credit, I have always had an exceptional example of marriage in my amazing, still wildly in love, parents.
I want to share tangible tips to fighting fair, as well as things you and your partner should keep in mind in the midst of an argument.
8 Tips To Fighting Fair:
1. You are on the same side.
Or at least you should be. If you’re arguing, you’re obviously on opposing sides of a view point but the end goal of the argument should be to overcome the issue and come out stronger together. This is important to keep in mind but actually speaking it can drastically change the climate of an argument. In the beginning of our relationship, Matt said it out loud and it completely turned down the “heat.” It was just the reminder I needed. Ultimately we both wanted to come out of the argument with a better understanding of each other and the dilemma we were facing.
My parents always say, “It’s you and me against the world.” Similar to being on the same side. But, this goes a step further in that, no matter what (or who) comes at us, we have each other’s back EVEN if we don’t necessarily agree with the other one.
2. Check yourself… Are you being defensive?
Did your partner bring up a topic they’d like to discuss about the relationship and you immediately got defensive? It’s easy to do, I understand. Especially if you are coming from a previous relationship where you always felt like you had to defend yourself. Often a conversation turns in to an argument, if one party becomes defensive. In this situation, put yourself in their shoes. If you brought something up that you intended to be constructive or even just a topic to discuss, and your partner immediately got defensive, how would you feel?
3. Remember who you are fighting with.
This is not a stranger or someone you don’t like. This is your person, someone you love. An easy tip to fighting fair is to consider your first disagreement. Remember how gentle and careful you were? Remember how methodically you chose your words? And how intentional you were with your tone? We get so comfortable with our partner that we forget that they deserve that version of us now more than ever.
4. Give them the benefit of the doubt
You know the times when you’ve said something and it came out much more harsh than you intended? Or you said something completely harmless, but they got their feelings hurt? You want the benefit of the doubt in those situations because you likely didn’t have ill intentions. On the flip side, they probably didn’t mean to hurt your feelings either. If anyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, it’s the person you truly see a future with.
Have grace. It means giving someone the love and understanding they may not deserve in that moment. I know I want grace when I’m struggling. I want to be the type of partner that gives it too.
5. Avoid “always” and “never”
Those are fighting words! Really though, with any relationship, generalizing never pays off. Hearing those words in conjunction with something you do that upsets them or on the contrary something you don’t do that would make them happy, is a quick way to put them on the defensive. You wouldn’t say it in the beginning of your relationship, so try not to say it now.
6. Hear to listen not respond.
I know this isn’t groundbreaking. You can read that statement and know that it is an amazing piece of advice. It doesn’t mean it’s easy to implement. If you can put yourself in a posture of striving to understand why your partner feels a certain way, it makes it easier to avoid getting defensive and to have grace. (Maybe this one should have been higher on the list!)
Fighting fair is all about extending the same courtesy and respect you want. Most arguments stem from one partner expressing a feeling they want to be understood and the other person rebutting first and then trying to understand later.
7. Why are you actually upset?
Ask yourself what you’re actually upset about. Before starting the potential argument, ask yourself, “Am I actually upset that he doesn’t do the dishes enough?” Or are you upset because you feel unappreciated for how often you do them? There’s often an underlying reason for whatever triggered you to be upset in the first place, especially if the trigger appears to be something trivial, like the dishes.
8. Stay on topic.
If you struggle with staying on topic, that may mean one of three things. You have previously unsettled arguments, one or both of you has resentment for things that didn’t get hashed out in the past, OR the argument has been going on for too long and you both need to step away.
I’m not the best at stepping away. I think women struggle with this more than men. We just want to fix everything right now and get back to being peachy keen in our love bubble. However, stepping away is such a good way to calm your emotions, assess what you’re actually upset about, and remind yourself that you’re on the same side.
I hope you found these tips to fighting fair helpful, friends! Whether you’re in a new relationship or married for years, being reminded of different ways to approach conflict with your person is always beneficial. And most of these are applicable outside of your romantic relationships too.
Do you have any tried and true tips to fighting fair? Any thing you remind yourself in the midst of an argument? I want to hear it! Leave me a comment below. I am always interested to hear what helps others preserve happy and intentional relationships.
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