For the sake of this blog post, I am referring to when you and your romantic partner both think you are right. Though I am certain these tips are helpful in friendships and other platonic relationships as well. An age old question, how do you argue with your significant other when you both think you are right? This blog post was inspired by a submission via Instagram direct message and boy they came to the right place. I have spoken about my relationship with my husband in plenty of previous blog posts that I will link below. I think we have a truly amazing relationship. That being said, we are both stubborn and absolutely hate to be wrong.
Perhaps one of the best parts about our relationship is our ability to argue respectfully and (mostly) peacefully. I collaborated with him to determine what tactics we use in arguments when neither of us wants to budge and the following is what we came up with. I want to be very clear, I am blessed with an awesome relationship. But, we still have plenty of room for improvement. We are stubborn humans who don’t always get it right but these are the tips that help us and I want to share in case they can help you too.
5 Tips For Arguing When You Both Think You Are Right
1. Pick your battles
I am not telling you to push your disagreements under the rug and ignore them. That does not work. However, if you are about to pick a fight about something that is relatively minor or that won’t matter to you tomorrow, then just let it go. If you and your partner are both stubborn, this can feel really difficult. I try to imagine the repercussions of the argument and then weigh if its worth it. Take some time away from them if you need to. Remind yourself of all the good things they do and the good person they are and then move on.
Give them the benefit of the doubt and show them grace. There are few people in the world that will ever be as close to you as them. If they got a little snippy or said something a little harsh, opt for understanding. What might have lead them to behave that way? It becomes cause for concern and grounds for discussion if you begin to recognize a pattern of those behaviors.
2. Agree to disagree sometimes
This one is not always applicable but some arguments just can’t be “won.” You could have hashed it out hundreds of times in tons of different ways and you will just not see the others’ side. It’s hard, but it happens. You’re two different people and it is unreasonable to expect to agree on everything. So long as it is not a topic that will persist in your every day life, it’s okay to agree to disagree. Matt and I take polarizing stances on most controversial/political topics. These topics will certainly come up more than once, but they don’t affect our daily life together.
In any argument, allow your partner to fully express their side. Even if you can’t agree, everyone yearns to be heard and leveled with. You may begin to further understand why they believe the way they do, even if you can’t get on board with the topic itself. If we feel heard and respected, we are way more likely to be able to peacefully agree to disagree and move on, rather than holding resentment.
3. Put a pin in it and reschedule for a better time
Matt and I call it pressing pause. It’s a comical take from one of our favorite shows, “How I Met Your Mother”. Choose a better time to argue. I understand that this option will not always be available. However, if it’s an argument that does not need an immediate answer, press pause if the setting is not ideal. For example, push pause on a disagreement that starts on the drive to family dinner. Or right before an anniversary date. If you don’t need to make a decision right this second, put a pin in it and reschedule for a better time.
You are not going to have your most peaceful or productive argument when you’re on a time limit or when you need to “clear it up” before trying to be your normal happy selves around family. The argument will be there when you get home and the “break” might allow you both to approach the disagreement more calmly.
4. Make sure you’re arguing about the same thing
I mentioned this in my tips for fighting fair in your relationship blog too because it’s just helpful for arguing in general. Are they actually that upset about the dishes not getting done? Or are they feeling unappreciated? You won’t make any progress if one person thinks the other is upset about something trivial while one is not feeling loved and appreciated.
It’s on both of you to communicate better. Neither will convince the other of their side if both aren’t being truly transparent about what’s upsetting them. Try not to snap on the little thing, but rather ask yourself why you feel so worked up about it to begin with. Then address the underlying issue with your partner.
5. Remember their side feels just as right to them as yours does to you
Last, and perhaps most important, there’s a good chance you’re both “right” to some extent. We wouldn’t willingly argue with our partner if we thought we were wrong. We feel certain our opinion is the right one due to our own specific set of life experiences, needs, and insecurities.
If you’re in the the right relationship, your partner is not trying to argue with you just over the sake of being right. They wholeheartedly believe their side is correct and they feel just as surprised that you don’t understand their side as you feel that they don’t understand yours. It’s important to keep this in mind because when we forget, it can begin to feel like an attack on our feelings
Like I said before, if you can allow each side to fully express how they’re feeling and why, it becomes a lot easier to understand why you both think you’re right about the topic. And chances are, you’re both right about some things and you both should apologize about others.
Real life example:
My primary love language is words of affirmation. I want to hear that I am amazing and beautiful and Matt is proud to be with me. Matt tends to show love in acts of service (i.e mowing the lawn, hanging pictures, going grocery shopping etc). Luckily for me that is my secondary love language.
When I begin to feel a little distant from Matt, it’s because I am craving words of affirmation. I’ll begin to drop hints and mention it and if he hasn’t picked up on it, I might start to feel unloved and not desired. Once I bring it up to him, he may get defensive. He feels like, “But what about x,y,z that I did for you”. And I will explain that yes, I appreciate those things a bunch but they are not what I am specifically needing from you to feel loved. On the flip side, he’s upset because thinks I am not being appreciative (which I may not be showing in the moment.) And I am upset because it feels like he can’t do these simple things I need.
We are both right in that both of our feelings are valid. We are both wrong in that I should appreciate the way he is showing love, and he should try and show love the way I need it most. It’s easy for it to feel like an attack on you when you forget to consider that they have real feelings about the disagreement you are bringing up too.
Bonus: a couple questions to ask yourself and your partner…
I like to ask, “Do I want to be right? Or do I want to be happy?” It doesn’t apply to every argument but it certainly forces you to check your ego. And also, “What do I hope to gain from this argument?” This lets me work towards a specific goal and helps avoid some of the tangents that arguments tend to have.
Even the best relationships have room for growth. I want my relationship with Matt to be exceptional. Therefore, I think it’s important to take note of the things that really work for us in an effort to reinforce them moving forward. Do you have a relationship where you both tend to think you’re right all the time? If you found something that works for you in arguments, comment it below! I’d love to hear it.
-The Relatable Red
