I am a huge proponent that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It could just be that your grass needs some watering instead. However, there is a huge difference between having settled in to a comfortable routine (& needing a little intentional effort) and settling on your partner or the relationship you find yourself in. Life is too short and there are too many amazing people out there to settle for good enough. Take it from me, good enough often turns into bad when you stick around too long. There is someone out there who will come along and light your heart on fire. Wait for them. In no particular order, here are 7 signs you might be settling in your relationship.
Related posts you might enjoy: 6 Signs You Need To Break Up; How To Know That He’s The One
7 Signs You’re Settling In Your Relationship:
1. If you wonder if you’re settling in your relationship, you probably are.
I always hated hearing trust your gut but I am here to tell you it’s true. In the past, my gut instinct told me I was settling on things that really mattered to me, even though I never listened. When women ask me for relationship advice, the first thing I always say is, if you think you might be settling, you are. Women generally don’t take break ups lightly. In fact, I think we are prone to stick around a little longer and see if we can make it work a little too long before finally leaving. So when your instinct says “hey girl, I think you just might be able to do better than him,” LISTEN TO HER… okay? Because your instinct has been waiting on the edge of her seat for you to finally listen.
2. Dreaming of being with someone better or different
If you catch yourself dreaming about what it would be like to be with someone different than your partner, this is one of the signs that you’re probably settling in your relationship. Do you think about what it would be like if your relationship was easier? Or how it would feel to be with someone who took care of you sometimes? Maybe someone who is more motivated or responsible? Maybe your partner is a perfectly fine individual, but you catch yourself wondering what it would be like to be with someone who is more passionate or someone you have more in common with?
It doesn’t always have to be a toxic relationship to be settling. Sometimes we simply ignore traits or habits that aren’t really what we want in the beginning, because we are blinded by lust or the honeymoon stage.
3. They don’t look anything like the person you always thought you’d be with.
I’m not talking about appearances. If you always thought you’d be with a boot wearing country man and now you’re dating someone who wears suits daily, that’s okay. But, do they have at least most of the traits, qualities, and values you always dreamed up in “your person”? Do they resemble that list?
Did you always envision the person you wanted to spend your life with as someone who was really lighthearted and now you’re with someone who is uptight or even argumentative? Maybe you’ve always wanted to travel the world and now you find yourself with someone who isn’t very adventurous.
It may seem silly but, write down a list of traits and qualities you think are really important to you. Focus on writing your list and not a list that will match the person you’re currently with. Try and tap in to qualities you wanted when you were younger or before you met them. Now, do they at least resemble that list? If you answered no, it’s likely that you’re settling.
4. The feeling that something is missing
Sometimes we look for something to be blatantly wrong to get the mental go ahead to break up. But what if they’re perfectly fine people, they’re just not for you? If you stick around, you’re not allowing someone who is for you to come in to your life and theirs!
An underlying feeling that something is missing can be one of the signs you’re settling in your relationship. You may be shutting out that feeling because “everything’s fine and he’s a good guy”. But if the feeling keeps creeping back in, it may be time to break up. Before my husband and I got together, he described the feeling with a past relationship like “shouldn’t I know by now?” If you’ve been with someone for awhile, and you feel unsure about the future of the relationship, it may be that something is just missing.
5. Justifying to yourself or others
If you feel the need to justify why you’re with someone, to yourself or to others, you might be settling. Sure, your friends may ask questions about your relationship. And while you don’t owe them an explanation at all, you may feel inclined to explain your stance. That’s fine. But if unprovoked, you feel like you need to explain or justify your partners’ behavior or why you’re with them, you might have problem.
Or, like in the aforementioned point, you catch yourself justifying why you’re with them to yourself. For example, “well he’s not a bad guy” or “relationships require compromise.” Of course they require compromise, but be honest with yourself. You know when you’re the only compromising and when you’re compromising on things that should be non-negotiable. Do yourself a favor and recognize when you’re actually compromising and when you’re just tired of arguing about that same thing that never gets resolved. If it bothered you before, don’t pretend like you don’t mind it now to avoid conflict.
6. Time served
It happens to the best of us. You think, “We’ve already been together for 5 years” or 6 months or whatever. If you begin to question whether they are the one and then your mind shuts down those doubts with how much time you’ve already invested, that is probably one of the signs that you’re settling in your relationship. Sure, 5 years is a lot of time spent. But it doesn’t have to mean it was time wasted. And you know what else is a lot of time spent? 10 years or 15. Don’t let the “comfort” of being with the same person for so long keep you in a relationship that is just okay.
7. Fear of being lonely or your age
Sure you might get lonely but being lonely in a relationship is so much worse. I like to tell people, break up with them before you resent them. You might think everything is fine now but if you’re settling, you’ll end up sticking around until it gets bad. And it’s a lot better to be civil with an ex instead of having hard feelings. If fear of being lonely is the reason you’re with someone, it’s also a good sign you’re settling.
Additionally, an all too common sign of settling (and an understandable one) is if you feel like your biological clock is ticking or all your friends are in serious relationships so you should be too. Go get your eggs frozen if you need but please don’t stay in a relationship that you don’t feel amazing in. Remember, you get to decide your life. You get to experience it exactly the way it’s supposed to happen for you. Don’t let some arbitrary and socially constructed timeline keep you from living your best life in the relationship that is truly right for you.
You cannot receive the amazing person you deserve if your hands are full. I know it’s cliché but that old saying, “when you meet the one, you’ll realize why it never worked out with anyone else” is so true. So please, hang on, focus on how to become the best version of yourself, and be open to the one when they come around because I promise they will.
Related post: How To Attract The Right People Into Your Life
As always, thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, would you mind sharing it on socials for your friends to read? And come hangout with me over on Instagram, @TheRelatableRed!
-The Relatable Red
